Since the passing of my sister in March, I've been having a hard time sleeping. After a couple of months I started to do my best to sleep earlier than usual. Here and there, reality completely hits in the silence of the night and my mind begins to recall some really tough memories about my sister's journey with brain cancer, especially when she took her last breath in front of me.
This past Sunday was National Sister's Day and I was debating as to whether I wanted to post something or not. At this moment, sitting down and thinking about my sister starts the streams of my tears with the thought of how much I miss her. The hurt you feel during such a difficult time in life, it truly is hard to be happy for others when your life is crashing with difficult roads. But I decided I wanted to post about how amazing my sister was as a person and most especially as my sister. I posted the following on my personal account with family and friends, but I want to share this post that was very difficult for me to even type out.
"I guess today is national sister's day, and I'm probably going to cry my eyes out writing this. You left this world earlier this year.. but you'll never leave my heart. Forever we will be sisters. I miss your big hugs and your kisses. I miss hearing your sermons live and just talking about food, coffee, Jesus, and the next place to travel to. It's still hard to face reality of you not being here but Ate, you were the best. You are an amazing human being, unique, and I was overly blessed to have you as my sister. You were the right kind of sister. You never bullied me, you only loved, cared, forgave, and prayed for me. I wish you were still here with me, growing old together, making dumb jokes for the rest of our lives, serving together in our ministry, and still having plans for the future. Forever I will talk about you, and forever you will always be remembered. I will tell my kids about you and the amazing person you are. I'm so grateful that mom captured this💜 love and miss you always..."
As I wrote this, I was sobbing in the restroom, trying to contain the tears that were streaming down my face. When I finished writing this and posted it, I put my phone aside and walked away from it. I started to get ready for bed to prepare for the upcoming work week. Once I got to bed, I watched some TV to relax, then turned the TV off so I could begin to get some rest. This was a tough night for me. The silence of the night, the post I just wrote, the memories all began to go through my head again and I just began to cry in bed.
I prayed and cried out to God for help. I needed the strength and comfort to fill my broken heart, the emptiness of what I was feeling. I screamed out why her, why us, why did I have to endure losing a sibling. We will never know 100% of the reasons why we go through some pretty difficult storms. But in the end, it will always lead back to character molding, coming out stronger, and having a story to encourage and inspire someone who may be going through the same situation.
2020 has been a rough year for us all in some shape or form. For me personally, it has been the most difficult year I have ever been through in life. I lost my sister, a church friend, and grandma. We're going through a pandemic that it's hard to travel to escape. We all lost Kobe Bryant and all the people who were on that helicopter were parents, children, siblings, and friends of people. With so much life that has been lost, the nights get lonely even if you're not alone. It feels empty even though there are love ones around filling your heart with love.
To help me sleep, I try watching TV to feel tired which doesn't ultimately work. I try to play video games but I begin to feel lazy at one point, and laying in bed just doesn't help when so many thoughts pass through your mind.
Recently, I began drinking the Spiritual Chill Calm blend by Wildcrafter Coffee. Wildcrafter botanical infused organic coffee contains antioxidants with amount of high-quality herbs so it provides the wellness boost that I need. I don't look to drink caffeine at night for I am part of the group that feels the effect of caffeine all day so 1 cup per day, or decaf is enough for me.
What I like about Wildcrafter Coffee is the different types of blends they provide for specific needs. They have the Inner Warrior Energy blend which provides sustainable energy with Maca, Lion's Mane, and Rhiodiola, Creative Genius Focus blend that enhances focus with Ashwagandha and Bacopa, Immune Shield Defend Blend that provides some immune defense with Reishi Mushroom, Astragalus, and Elderberry.
The Spiritual Chill Calm blend, brings calmness with passionflower, chamomile, and holy basil. As they say on their site, "Wherever you have your coffee, can be your sanctuary to rest and recover- and let your spirit chill". I've been testing this coffee out at night to see if it helps me relax at night and it does.
Through these difficult nights, drinking this cup of coffee before bed relaxes my body. In no way will drinking this cup make you forget the hurt or the difficult day, but it provides comfort for the body, relaxation for the mind, and it just feels nice to drink something warm before bed. I have been drinking this blend every night since, and it has become a nightly ritual before bed that I feel good about. Not only does it aid with body relaxation, but it also helps knowing that the added roots in this blend have some medicinal properties, something that most coffees don't have.
I am still in the midst of trying to heal, doing my best to sleep, but most of all doing my best to make sure I am doing what I can to take care of myself. I will always miss my sister, and I wish she was still here with me having our morning weekend ritual of a cup of coffee and talking about random things. I guess all I can really do is try and keep calm and carry on some how.
Comments