This post is in remembrance of baby Olivia Hope Coloma. As tomorrow, October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I write this story for Olivia and her parents Farrah and Ramsey. With her mother sharing their journey with me, this story shows the most difficult chapter in their lives as parents, especially for Farrah as a mother. May the story of baby Olivia and the journey of her parents bring encouragement for those who have experienced the same tragedy, for you are not alone. Bring gratitude to those who have not encountered this situation and a heart of love for all of those around us. No matter what circumstances we face, each of us have our own tragedy and story. Be grateful in all things and find Joy in the good and bad for the Lord is good, ALWAYS.
A Mother's Journey
The Journey of Having Another Child
Farrah and Ramsey met in 2009 and married in 2014. They coached basketball for several years together and have always loved kids. Farrah serves in the children's ministry at their church Vallejo New Life Church of the Nazarene while Ramsey coaches cross country for American Canyon High School. They both ran a number of half marathons together and a multitude of 5k to 12k runs. They attend marriage seminars yearly and serve in their ministries where they are called to share their love for Christ. Prior to Olivia, they were raising 3 kids and enjoying their yearly family vacations together. As Farrah put it, their life all together as a family was a dream come true and being pregnant with Olivia placed them over the moon when they found out.
The Journey During Pregnancy
Farrah never had complications with her previous pregnancies and had zero worry in her mind about carrying another child to full term. Full of excitement, they celebrated by having a gender reveal with close family and friends. Farrah and Ramsey were happy with either gender, but they were blown away with happiness when they found out they were having a girl for they were both hoping the baby was going to be a girl. With a great history of baring children successfully and news of finding out they were carrying a baby girl, how can anything go wrong at this point?
The Journey in the Hospital Farrah's water breaks at 24 weeks At 24 weeks, Farrah's water broke. She was experiencing a lot of complications throughout her pregnancy with Olivia. Farrah began bleeding around 15 weeks and was worried it was never going to stop. With worry in her heart, she prayed to God for the bleeding to stop and the Lord heard her cry for the bleeding finally stopped. In addition to the bleeding, at 3 months Farrah was constantly having pain in which she believed were contractions. For some reason, every time Farrah would tell the doctor that she felt like she was experiencing contractions, the doctor would insist that it was ligament pain which Farrah found a bit odd. However, since it had been over a decade since her last pregnancy, she decided to just listen to the doctor and believe the reason for her pain was ligament pain since the doctor kept insisting that was the reason. With what was going to happen in the upcoming weeks, Farrah wished she had just gone back to see her old OBGYN instead of going to this new doctor and believing the diagnosis they gave her.
Farrah wants to share this piece of information to all the current and future mamas, that when you feel like something isn't right, something probably isn't right. Even if the doctor is saying you're fine, but you know if your heart that you don't feel fine at all, definitely get a second opinion so you know what your true circumstance may or may not be. Farrah continues to share that she wished she could have followed her own advice when the doctor was telling her it was just "ligament pain" because it may have saved Olivia if she had just gone for a second opinion.
The night before her water broke, she felt a big kick in her stomach that even her husband felt baby Olivia's strong kick for the first time. Farrah didn't want to think too much about how Olivia's kick was a bit different from normal, so she decided to get some rest and sleep. At around 3:00AM, she got up to go to the bathroom and it felt as if her water broke. For a moment she had to double think as to whether her water truly broke for she never had her water break prematurely, but in that moment in time, she saw and knew that her water definitely broke. She immediately woke her husband Ramsey up and they called the doctor. They were advised to go to Labor & Delivery in which Farrah said to me that she honestly never knew that once your water breaks and you go to L & D, you won't get discharged until the baby is born. This was something Farrah was not happy about since she never expected to be in the hospital for the remainder of her pregnancy. All she wanted to do was just go home and be with her kids and family and continue carrying Olivia until it was time for her to come into the world.
After a week and a half, Farrah came to terms and was at peace with the fact that she was going to be in the hospital until she was 36 weeks along. This would be about 2 months from the time her water broke that she would be in the hospital. But little did she know, she would end up going into labor later that day.
Going into Labor Farrah was expressing to me that she figured she must of had a high tolerance for pain because she was having contractions for weeks while she was in the hospital and all this time her contractions were not even registering. It was a couple of hours after midnight when she felt the contractions getting worse. She began to monitor the amount of time in between each contraction. It was 10 minutes, then 5 minutes, to 2 minutes apart. She thought to herself, am I in labor?! Since the medical team monitors each patient and no one was coming in to check on her she figured she wasn't in labor at all; however, in all reality, she was actually in labor. At this point she decided it was time to wake her husband up as she headed to the bathroom. She began to get really cold and started shivering.
The nurses finally came in to check on her and found out that the monitors weren't reading her contractions at all. This whole time her bands were not placed on tightly which was why no one came in to check on her when Farrah was feeling the contractions getting worse. By that time, they tried to stop the labor but it was too late. The meds weren't working and she was rushed to get an emergency C-section. Farrah went into the room alone since her husband was not allowed in while they did the spinal tap on her. Farrah can still recall how much she was freezing and shaking during her procedure. They kept telling her to try and not move, but how could she possibly stop moving when she's shaking due to feeling cold?
Her emotions were rising and she was doing her best to keep still and hold her tears in. While this was all happening one of her nurses hugged her and allowed Farrah to lay her head on her chest to comfort her. They finally allowed her husband to come by her side while they performed the C-section which felt like it took forever to Farrah. She felt more than she thought she would feel in that moment. She remembered saying that she needed to throw up and before she knew it, she was out like a light. The one thing she recalls right before she passed out was vaguely hearing the medical team say, "SHE'S HERE" before wheeling her out of the room.
Hours later, Farrah woke up in a different room as if she was in a dream. Everything was such a blur since she was out of it due to all of the medication she was given. She wasn't able to see Olivia in the NICU until later that evening, but remembers seeing Olivia for the first time and saying to herself that this was her beautiful baby girl. Farrah cried as she looked at Olivia in the NICU knowing that her baby would have a long journey before being able to come home, and little did they know that their time with Olivia would be limited.
The Journey of Making a Decision
Olivia was born on Sunday, April 2, 2017 and was brought straight to the NICU after Farrah gave birth. Farrah cannot thank her husband enough for taking care of her and the continuous times he was checking on Olivia to make sure she was doing well. He never left their side and was such a great rock and strength for their family most especially for Farrah and Olivia.
On Tuesday, a different doctor came into their room and gave an update on Olivia. The doctor was telling them things that seemed so foreign. All this time Farrah thought Olivia was doing well despite being born at 26 weeks and in the NICU. She wasn't sure if it was just her mind wanting to think she was okay or if she really thought and knew Olivia was doing fine.
As the doctor continued to give Farrah and Ramsey the report on their newborn, Farrah recalls looking at the doctor and seeing sorrow on her face. At this point, the updates on Olivia were not exactly sinking in especially when they were hearing that Olivia wasn't doing well. After the doctor left, Farrah remembers asking Ramsey what the doctor meant with all the news since again Farrah thought Olivia was doing okay despite being in the NICU this whole time. It seemed they were both in denial and just needed time to process all the information that was just given to them about their baby girl.
Once they were able to pull themselves together, they requested to speak to the doctor again. At that moment, both Farrah and Ramsey felt that it was God's perfect timing that in that moment their pastor went to visit them in the hospital. Their pastor was a huge support system for them and was able to be in the room as the doctor explained the updates on Olivia again.
On Wednesday, Olivia had a blood infection and although the doctors did their best to help Olivia fight it, she wasn't getting better. Olivia also had a brain bleed in which half her brain was bleeding. In addition to these complications, Olivia's lungs were filled with fluid and it continued to fill up within her lungs. They had to decide as to whether they were going to keep Olivia on life support or if they were going to let her go. After seeing Olivia's x-rays and talking with the doctors about Olivia's future, both Farrah and Ramsey decided that it would be best to let her rest in peace from all the complications she was experiencing. If Olivia survived this, she would grow up with more complications and even be in a vegetative state for the rest of her life.
During this time, Farrah reflected back on all the pain she experienced from her C-section. As a grown woman feeling that physical pain, she couldn't bear to imagine the pain her 2lb baby was experiencing with all the complications that was going on. To add to their difficult circumstance, they lived about 40 minutes away from the hospital and they would not be allowed to live in the NICU while Olivia was there. Because of this, Farrah said she wouldn't be able to forgive herself if Olivia passed away without them by her side. Due to these reasons, the decision was made more clearly and that was when they decided that they would have to say goodbye to Olivia that Saturday.
Wednesday was the day that Olivia's siblings came to the hospital to meet their baby sister. At this time, Farrah and Ramsey were not ready to share the news they learned about Olivia from earlier that day. They wanted their kids to see their little sister for the first time without the knowledge of knowing that they only had a short amount of time to spend with her.
The next day, Farrah was being discharged from the hospital and this was going to be the day they had to tell their family about the unfortunate news. She called one of her cousin's and told them about what was happening while Ramsey called his brother in San Diego. They gathered their whole family and sat around their living room as they shared photos of Olivia on their TV. Farrah and Ramsey had a difficult time trying to figure out when it was the right time to share the dreading news. There truly is no right time to tell anyone terrible news, so they gained the courage to begin sharing the x-rays and the diagnosis of Olivia then had to tell the family about the decision on what was going to happen next. The house was silent and tears were flowing as everyone was trying to process the news that their baby girl was not going to make it home.
They spent Friday in the hospital, maximizing the time they could have with Olivia and even called a few people to ask if they would be Olivia's Godparents. Farrah and Ramsey also asked if those people could be with them the following day for they wanted to dedicate Olivia to the Lord before taking her off life support.
Farrah remembers dressing up that Saturday and bringing with her the dress that her sister in law bought for Olivia from the Philippines. Farrah was saving that dress for Olivia to wear in the future when they were going to dedicate her. With everything happening so quickly, Farrah's biggest desire was to make sure that Olivia was dedicated to the Lord before she left this world. Farrah dressed Olivia in the dress her sister in law bought and describes how beautiful baby Olivia was. It was as if she knew it was her special day. They began her dedication and prepared Olivia to meet Jesus.
Thankfully they were able to have a photographer capture their last moments together before letting go of Olivia. It was around 5:00PM when Farrah and Ramsey decided it was time. The medical team turned off the machines and they all silently waited. Farrah shares that in this moment, you just don't know how long this was going to take. Would it be a few minutes or a few hours? When I was with my sister, I saw her take her last breath. The time of waiting for someone to do so is a moment where time feels slow or even frozen. The emotions within yourself of having to let go and not wanting to let go is a certain level of pain that not all will encounter. You hold your breath with hope and later realize that the wait is so daunting. This was the moment in Olivia's story where I felt the sadness Farrah and Ramsey felt for their daughter. Olivia lived for almost 2 hours off life support before they saw she had gone to be with the Lord. The moment they realized she had passed away, Olivia was rested warmly in her daddy's arms. Farrah expresses how she recalls letting out a loud cry, facing the wall of the NICU room. Their baby was gone and their lives would never be the same again.
After Olivia left the world to be with the Lord, another nurse came and allowed Farrah to give Olivia a bath and dress her. Farrah and Ramsey both held Olivia in their arms and spent a little more time with her before she was brought to the morgue. At around 11:00PM they placed Olivia in a bassinet and said goodbye to her in the hospital, then shared the passing of their baby girl on social media, and went home without their princess.
The Journey of a Difficult Road The Faith Journey
After the passing of Olivia, Farrah and Ramsey went through a multitude of difficult seasons in their lives. They had a total of 3 losses, 1 each year leading to 2020. Olivia in 2017, Quinn in 2018 at 12 weeks gestation, in 2019 they had another baby in which they didn't name for they lost the baby at 10 week gestation. Losing Olivia didn't quite break Farrah nor did losing Quinn. Farrah was indeed in deep pain and sorrow but they were living to honor Olivia and she knew they were safely in the presence of Jesus.
Of course when they first lost Olivia, Farrah kept questioning, "Where is she? Is she really with you Jesus?" God was so good in giving them confirmation after confirmation that their baby girl Olivia was safe in the arms of God. The day of Olivia's funeral, they were driving to the funeral home and a song they never heard before came on Klove. The song was called Home by Chris Tomlin. Within the lyrics, it says, "I'm going home.. I'm in your open arms, where I believe, home". The song played and ended right when they approached the funeral home and interestingly enough, it played again as they left the funeral home hours later. This song has become one of Farrah's favorite songs since it came on during the times they needed it the most.
Though they were in and out of church for 3 years, the Lord was always by their side. Farrah states that she has learned to truly empathize with those who have lost a loved one, especially those who have lost a child. She has learned to weep with those who weep, and to walk alongside them whether in conversation or just being present for them. Farrah continues to share how good God is, not because He only gives good gifts and blessings, but in this fallen world He walks with us in our journey of grief and hardship without rushing us to heal or move on.
The Feeling of Uncertainty
Every time they found out they were pregnant again, they were ecstatic. They figured they couldn't possibly lose another baby... But sadly, they were, and they did. One week they saw a heartbeat, the next week it would be gone. At one point, Farrah decided to have a natural miscarriage which was a pretty traumatic experience. Without going into too much detail, Farrah shares that seeing so much blood leave your body and thinking somewhere in there is your baby, you never forget the sight of seeing that moment.
Overall, the losses that Farrah had gone through with her babies placed her into deep depression in which she realized she had to find her new normal, the new her. For the longest time, and even until this day, she sometimes feels like she's living two different lives. One is where people see what's on the outside and the another is what happens behind closed doors. Farrah said that in this day and age, the society we live in doesn't do too well in sharing sorrows as everyone puts out a facade of "I'm okay" when in fact they're not. She's learned in these last 3 years of many women who have experienced a loss. Some that she's known for many years and would have never thought they would be experiencing the same thing she was going through. She would listen to their stories as to how some babies were at full term born and came out stillborn, others miscarried before being able to announce their pregnancies, and some that lost a child after a perfect birth.
Farrah believes that being open and honest about her own loss with other women, helps others open up about their stories of loss. As much as there shouldn't be any feeling of shame, there is a lot of feeling shame in losing a baby. There's a feeling of being inadequate like your body couldn't do what it is meant to do and feeling hopeless and vulnerable. However in order to begin her journey of healing, she had to start acknowledging that yes, she was 1 in 4 women who lost a baby and it's not shameful, it's just unfortunate.
(Photo: Items received from @projectrobby24. Knitted blankets with a baby hat and angel wings the size of their baby Olivia, Quinn, and Baby)
The Journey of Healing As part of their healing journey, Farrah and Ramsey wanted to do something in honor of Olivia. They wanted something to remember her by and for her not to be forgotten. After the funeral, Farrah felt God's tap on her heart to renovate the nursery at their church. The walls were painted, new floors were installed, and new furniture was placed in that room. The name of the nursery was named after Olivia and today, it is being used for all the babies and toddlers at church. Every time Farrah walks into the nursery, she thinks of Olivia as she sits in the rocking chair. While she spends a moment to reflect, she thinks about everyone who blessed them with being able to create a space to honor their daughter.
In addition to the nursery, Farrah decided to take her journey and make it something positive for the world. She made the decision to donate her breast milk that baby Olivia was unable to receive. She was producing such an amount of milk that she wanted to make sure that other premature babies were receiving as much as they possibly could. Six weeks after the passing of Olivia, Farrah's husband Ramsey helped her pump every three hours, both day and night so she could donate it to the Mother's Milk Bank in San Jose. She did this to help feed other newborns who were fighting to survive and to find some way to heal.
Preemies cannot survive on formula and need mother's milk to survive. The absorption of mother's milk is gentle for the baby's stomach to digest which aids in providing nutrition to preemies. Some mothers have difficulty producing their own milk even though they have given birth. With the help from other mothers donating their breast milk, it provides such positivity and help to mothers who are unable to produce a large amount of breast milk for their baby. Mother's Milk Bank provides the donated milk to preemies so that they are able to make it out of the NICU (Newborn/Neonatal Intensive Care Unit). For more information and to hear one of these true stories, visit the link below from mom.com.
Farrah's goal was to donate as much breast milk as she could whether she would be able to meet any of these babies or not. She wanted to make sure that at least the small part she could do was going to help them. Farrah has donated about 300 ounces of breast milk which is about 2.3 gallons in honor of her daughter Olivia Hope. With the amount of breast milk she donated, it provided about 600 to 1,200 feedings to premature babies across the state of California.
As Farrah continued donating her breast milk at the time, she stated that this was a therapeutic process for both her and her husband Ramsey. It helped them cope and heal from the passing of Olivia and it was very helpful for her to be able to donate her breast milk during a time of grieving. She felt that if she did not embark on this opportunity that she may have gone into a deeper hole of depression, but she found reason and a purpose during that season in her life.
Farrah states that we're all in this world together. All moms are able to provide something to their babies, and if mothers are breastfeeding, why not give a little bit of the surplus to another baby so that they would be able to survive, thrive, and have the chance to go home. The best thing for parents is being able to take their baby home and she hoped that the breast milk she was donating would help the babies in the NICU graduate and be able to go home with their families. In 2018, Ramsey ran 402 miles on and for Olivia's birthday and raised over $2,000 for Mother's Milk Bank.
The Journey of Receiving God's Gift & Blessing
After the long journey of having so much loss, Farrah and Ramsey were recently blessed with a baby boy. Farrah states that pregnancy felt like walking on eggshells after a loss. Every doctor's appointment and ultrasound appointment, Farrah would leave saying "He's still alive". After losing 3 babies, it puts you in a mindset where you just aren't sure anymore. Even the days leading up to giving birth to her son, she felt as if she had to hold her breath hoping that this time around she would have a baby who was alive and well.
Bo (Ramsey Gabriel Coloma Jr.) is now 4 months old and there is still a part of Farrah that fears she may lose him. It may sound silly but to go through the journey Farrah went through, it can truly be scary and traumatic for a mother. No parent should ever experience losing a child, and Farrah had to say goodbye to 3. COVID-19 was happening while she was pregnant with Bo and thankfully everyone had to quarantine. To her, this felt like a blessing for now that she was pregnant again, she was happy to be able to stay home, be safe, and quarantine.
This time around Farrah didn't want a baby shower because she thought it would be a waste of time if they had one and at the end of it, bad news would arrive again and there would be no baby. They eventually changed their mind and had a quarantine baby shower but still was hesitant to tell people until they were around 32 weeks pregnant. Due to the circumstances in the past, they wanted to make sure that they were truly going to be able to have a baby before announcing it to people.
Close family and friends received a "Surprise we're having a baby" announcement in the mail and 4 weeks later, Farrah gave birth to Bo. Baby Bo was born at 36 weeks on June 20, 2020 at 2:10AM, weighing 5lbs 4oz and 10 inches long. Bo is named after his father but they gave him the nickname "Bo" after the word rainBOw, for Bo was the baby born after a loss. Bo has become Farrah and Ramsey's saving grace and love their baby boy so much despite the sleepless nights and never ending moments of crying. They are overjoyed to have this little blessing in their life after these past 3 years.
(Photo: Bo (Ramsey Gabriel Coloma Jr.) born June 20, 2020 at 2:10AM, weighing 5lbs 4oz and 10 inches long)
The Journey of Life Today
Farrah and Ramsey take part in John Muir's "A Place to Remember" where nurses, doctors, parents, and families get together to remember their children. Farrah makes a flower backdrop for the event and brings items to share with other parents who have lost a child. During this time, parents are able to share about their babies and reconnect with the John Muir staff who helped during the difficult times each parent faced. The event is so beautiful that they light candles and walk around a body of water. Farrah continues to create many large pieces of Flower Art as a way to heal and has also made other art projects for Infant/Pregnancy Loss Month.
Ronald Reagan designated the entire month of October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month on October 25, 1988. That day he said “When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world.
It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes. Now, therefore, I, Ronald Reagan, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim the month of October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I call upon the people of the United States to observe this month with appropriate programs, ceremonies, and activities.”
In Remembrance of Baby Oliva Hope Coloma April 2, 2017 to April 8, 2017
"But Jesus called the children to him and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these". -Luke 18:16
A Message from Farrah to women, mothers, and mother's to be out there:
To the baby loss mamas out there, take life one step at a time, put one foot in front of the other and one day you’ll look back and see how far you’ve come. Choose to grieve however long and whatever way you want for this is your journey and yours alone. May you honor your child every way possible and know that we moms, in this “Baby Loss” club, honors your child too. You are not alone in your pain as we all bear the burden with you of living a life with empty arms for a child gone too soon.
Even when the blessing of another child comes along, it never replaces them, yes, we wanted that one too. My hope is that others who are fortunate to not have to say goodbye to their children, would know that we just didn’t lose a child, we lost their everything, all their “firsts” will never come to be. We don’t get to capture milestones through stages of their lives but only have the wonders of what could have been if they were here with us today.
You may never be the woman you were before the loss but may you find your new norm and may you be stronger than you were yesterday, love more than you’ve ever loved, and keep hope alive for a better tomorrow. One thing we will have in life is change, Maya Angelou said “Every storm runs out of rain”, let’s hold on to that till we see the rainbow burst forth in our lives. Maya also said “God puts rainbows in the clouds so that each of us, in the dreariest and most dreaded moments, can see a possibility of hope”, hold on to that too. We all hear “God is good” but to a baby loss mama, sometimes we can’t see where the good is. I’ve learned how God is good, that God, in our deepest pain and deepest grief, walks with us and holds our hands and when we can no longer walk, he carries us; there is where you see that God is good.
In these past 3 years, I was courageous enough to openly share my loss, may you too, share your journey, share your pain, share your highs and your lows, and may we all know that we are all in this life together. I love how The Message Bible puts 1 Corinthians 13:13, “But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.” We baby loss mamas already know how to love extravagantly for when you lose a child, you learn of love and how to love in a way you’ve never done or have experienced before. May we also keep our faith strong and continue to hold on to our promised hope until that beautiful day we get to hold our children once more.
Yours Truly- Olivia, Quinn, and Baby's Mom,
Farrah
Additional References and News on the life of Olivia Hope Coloma and the healing journey of her mother Farrah Coloma
Some of Farrah's entries on Olivia's Journey blogsite https://oliviashope.weebly.com/
Home by Chris Tomlin
Story from 23ABC News Bakersfield https://www.turnto23.com/news/local-news/grieving-mother-feeds-hundreds-of-preemies-after-losing-her-own-daughter-at-birth
Farrah was a Breast Milk Donor at Mothers’ Milk Bank 1887 Monterey Road Suite 110 San Jose, CA 95112 Phone: 1-877-375-6645 https://www.mothersmilk.org Download information on how to donate your breast milk
This video is Farrah's story on opening up about the healing experience of donating her breast milk. https://mom.com/baby/270797-mom-opens-about-healing-experience-donating-her-breast-milk
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