(Beloved Daughter, Sister, Pastor, Cousin, Friend, and Woman after God's own Heart)
Six months ago, my sister passed away right before my eyes. The journey throughout her battle with brain/skull cancer was very uplifting with hope and within a couple of months dropped and we lost her. Over the course of the last six months, I write about her journey within most of my blogs stories. I struggle deeply with her passing, and as time goes by you don't exactly heal, you just help yourself get used to a new reality.
I struggled with my faith in God, asking why her, how could this happen when her brain/skull surgery was successful, or why He didn't choose to protect her from these unfair circumstances. My faith was shaken, I was lost, I entered into a moment of darkness and just didn't know how to crawl out. What was I going to do when God is the one I turn to in all circumstances? How was I suppose to understand that He was going to comfort those who need to be comforted, that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted. How?
Well, over the last six months, my personal battle continues but has become better. For the first three or so months, praying to God was hard. I would always remember my sister and my heart would hurt from the pain of her being gone. My mind is on a continuous loop of the journey we were on throughout this whole battle. The worst part is having the memory of her taking her last breath in front of me. I was there begging her to stay, praying to God she wasn't leaving yet. But at that moment as we rushed to her bed side, my sister was already moving forward to heaven.
As we watched her take long breathes, held her cold hands, we saw that the pigment in her foot had already changed. In my mind, I was hoping for some miracle, begging this wasn't about to happen. This was the moment where you begin to enter the unknown of how to even function. We were FROZEN, crying, screaming, and the moment she stopped, I dropped to the floor and the world felt unreal.
Days felt so slow and I felt like I was living a nightmare, or an alternate universe. I would pass by her room and look for her and she wasn't there. I cried day and night, unable to catch my breath, feeling the pain just pierce through my heart. I continued to struggle in moving forward in life. I missed her that much it was hard to do the things we used to do together. Even praying to God I wouldn't do. There was still a part of me that didn't want to depart from God (thankfully), but there was also those trying moments where my heart was so broken that reading the bible, praying, doing church was something I chose to walk away from.
It wasn't until three months after she passed that the heaviness of my heart was overtaking more of me than I wanted. Days felt heavy, I was unmotivated to do anything, trying to start something new was less than exciting, I felt like I had so much weight on my shoulder. At that moment, I realized, I needed to give it all to Jesus. Give him my brokenness and ask Him for comfort and peace. Remove the unmotivated part of me and flow through me so I can be motivated again. As I finally sat and prayed to God again, I let it all out. I told Him how broken I was, how this all felt unfair, that there are other people in this world who are terrible and don't deserve to live and yet my sister was taken. I asked the Lord to remove all the heaviness in my heart and to help me live again, and within that moment of prayer, the weight off my shoulders began to feel lighter.
After that, it still doesn't get easy with losing someone you love. Whether you have the support of family and friends or not, the battle can feel lonely. But with God always there to pick up the broken pieces, and your willingness to let Him, you find the ability to begin living again. I dug deeper into the word of God, looking for answers, and realizing I can't force God to tell me why. He is the creator of life, the only one who can give and take it away.
Since the pandemic hit and everything went virtual, we started to play sermons of my sister. She was the pastor at our church, and it was a blessing that just out of no where, my mom started recording her sermons just to have it. Now those sermons are being used each Sunday and it is now being shared with more than the people from our church.
A couple of weeks ago my sister's sermon was titled, "Being On The Winning Side" in which she covered Philippians 1:21-26. In her sermon she cover's the journey of Saint Paul while he was in jail in Rome. She shares about Paul's point of to truly LIVE IS CHRIST, AND DIE IS GAIN, to count it all joy in all circumstances, and within the sermon, she also shares the story of the five missionary martyrs Nate Saint, Roger Youderian, Ed McCully, Peter Fleming, and Jim Elliot. These five young men, all under the age of 35 went out into the mission field to Ecuador in 1955 to reach out to a local tribe who never heard the word of God. On January 8, 1956 the five men were speared to death because the tribe thought they were there to harm them.
This specific teaching my sister gave is the teaching that gave me peace, that answered the questions I couldn't find the answer to. I always wondered why her, she's so young, her heart was still invested in sharing the word of God to the world, why would God take her when he can still use her for the kingdom purpose? Well as my sister continued sharing about Saint Paul and the five young men who put their lives on the line for the kingdom of God, she answered the question I've been needing an answer to.
She continues on in her sermon and brings the point of if we are afraid to die, it could be that we don't truly understand the kingdom adventure. To the world, we see death as a sad thing to happen, but death is the vehicle that takes us to God. In an interesting way of looking at it, when you are walking the kingdom life, "A Christian is immortal until his work on earth is done". My sister shares that death cannot touch us until God is through with us. We cannot die and we will not die until that moment comes and Christ says, "I am done, your story has ended, you are done with your purpose, here is the period to your novel". If God is God, and we are walking in the kingdom life, we will live as long as the Lord intends and then we will go home to the Lord. In this sense everyone's Christian life should be complete.
This specific portion was the moment where so much changed for me. I wondered after she passed and when I couldn't find the specific answer to why she had to be taken so young, that some how I wondered if it would be my sister telling me the answer as to why her, why her passing at a young age is actually okay, and this sermon was the one where I finally found peace and closure. As I type the following parts, I am writing what she shares from her sermon. This was taken from a sermon she shared back in 2016 when she was 34 years old.
She states specifically from her previous point of our life's timeline and the purpose we have on this earth, that if we are walking in the kingdom life, we will then go home to be with God when we are called, and our Christian life should be complete. She then continues on stating, " It may not always look that way when you stand by the grave of let's say a young person, and we don't understand why he died at the prime of his life. We know the death of a young person always brings questions that only God can answer. But this much is true, if that young person died in the kingdom life, that person has completed the life God intended for them. What seems to be a mistake to the world is no mistake in the divine story that God has written for this person's life".
When I heard these words come from my sister as she shares this within her sermon, everything that felt lost was covered and the weight of the "WHY" was removed. She answered something I have been looking for. REASON. As these words flow through my mind continuously, I am more and more healing in a way where I am able to keep living life in the way God intended. To keep my kingdom journey and relationship with God growing. This life is borrowed, our death date is never set and will always be unknown even when you are diagnosed with something. We will never know specifically when our time is up, but the most important thing is to live that kingdom life, or continue living that kingdom life, because when all else fails, God will be the one we would want to spend eternity with. The Good, The Perfect, the God who Loves more than we can comprehend.
Ate (Big Sister), as you have arrived at our final destination, you continue to share the wisdom of God's word with us. A constant reminder of our kingdom walk and the importance in this life. Six months have passed and I don't know whether to say, "Already" or "Barely", but either way I know it may feel like forever while we wait to be able to all be together again, but I will live the life God intended not because it's for YOU but because you remind and teach us that it is all for the GLORY OF GOD. I miss you like crazy, but thankful for technology in this day and age, because every Sunday, as I listen to your sermons, it's as if you're still here with us all. You are continuing your mission for the kingdom, reaching out to us locally and to the rest of the world even though you are already in heaven. Love you more than you'll ever know.
To listen to Rev. Tiffany's sermon referenced in my blog, please see below:
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