[No.016] The Project of Being Me & Being Real

This past week, I've been feeling a bit unmotivated. I was carry the weight of something I honestly wasn't sure about. All the things that usually bring me motivation and enjoyment just wasn't happening for me this week. Baking and cooking just felt tiring, taking care of my plants was something I didn't care for, and even losing sight of the reason why I made this blog. With this quarantine lifestyle we have, and the fact that the number of cases are beginning to rise again, travel seems even further and further away. This is my way of escape, and I can't even do it.

As I sit and write this blog on this Sunday, I had to figure out what I needed to do to reboot myself. This whole week, I was trying to figure out collaboration projects to help promote companies and brands that I found a connection with or that have helped me in one way or another. I got swallowed up in larger projects not realizing that I was beginning to focus on this rather than keeping my eye and focus on the reason why I started my blog.

So today, it's time to be real and put it out there that I am struggling with this quarantine life. There are positives to this whole situation such as being with family more, working from home, and being able to balance life and work; however, this situation also feels suffocating. I'm still grieving over my sister. I pretend to move on, and feel better, and act as if I'm healing faster than expected. But to be honest, I'm broken still. I've had better days where I don't cry all the time, but figuring out how to process, grow, heal, and move on from this terrible season in life is difficult.

I find myself getting used to not seeing my sister at home, and it begins to feel like she's on vacation or out doing mission work. Then I sit down and realize, these thoughts aren't real. We would be on vacation together, and we would be doing mission work together. I am happy to always know that my sister is definitely in heaven and enjoying the presence of the Lord. Her life said it all. The question is, am I doing my best here on earth to assure that I am going to see her again.

At one point in my life, I used to say, I am a believer, or I grew up in a Christian home, I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior so that's it and I'm good right?! I got the ticket to get into the heaven. Then later on I learned, relationship with God. What is relationship with God? I thought going through the motions of praying for my food, thanking God for a new day, going to church every Sunday, asking for forgiveness and choosing certain parts of the bible I wanted to follow was pretty much the gist of it.

As the years go by, I start learning more about what a true relationship is with Jesus. A relationship with Christ is investing our time in and with Him as we would with our friends, co-workers, family, the activities we do, the time we put into work, etc. Is this concept difficult to comprehend or grasp? It actually wasn't. It actually made sense. Why would I expect a full time God, if I am a part time Christian? When we don't spend time with God in prayer and reading His word, how will we get to know God deeper? Why do we have an expectation that he ALWAYS has to be there for us? I used to see the bible as a book of rules and you can't do this and you can't do that, and out of fear, I followed. However, when you have a true relationship with God and begin to grow in that relationship, you begin to draw near to the word and start to look at it as a book of knowing who God's character is, his being, what we need to do to live a good and prosperous life.

I saw the bible as wanting to know more about God and following in His ways because I am enjoying this kingdom journey on earth. I was no longer looking at the bible as a book of rules that felt so controlling. God didn't design our lives to be controlled, he designed our lives with freewill and for us to want to understand and know him. I am guilty of losing sight of the Lord recently. I slipped away from having a good relationship with God. I put everything else I was doing before him. Being close to God made me hurt because it reminded me of my sister and how she was no longer here. It reminded me how life is different, how church is different, and how everything is going to be different without her.

Then I realized today, I needed to wake up and figure out what was dragging me. The weight of forcing to not be in the Lord was actually harder work than it was to draw close and lay everything at his feet. I was reminded this morning when I thought about my sister as to how she lived life. None of us are perfect, and we fall short and sin in one way or another. But the important part is to realize our wrong doing, ask for forgiveness, genuinely mean it, and not repeat it. I've fallen short of understanding God's forgiveness. I walked through life asking God for forgiveness repeatedly over the same things. Then realized how ridiculous that was. I say ridiculous not because it seemed crazy to ask for forgiveness but ridiculous in a way where I was using God as a vending machine. I would do whatever I wanted, ask for forgiveness because it felt right and repeat. That is definitely a no no. What is the point of asking for forgiveness if I was going to do it again?

Yes, things may be difficult to stop doing depending on whatever situation we get ourselves into; however, a transformed life, reflecting the image of God, and knowing God's character, we then realize that we ask for forgiveness and genuinely do our best to not get ourselves back into whatever situation we were in because we are now wanting to transform ourselves and reflect the right character. What I'm getting at, is that I need to draw close to the Lord correctly. Be in relationship with him, put him first, not last. I can't pray to God only when I need him and when life is good I move on to doing whatever I want.

I need to go back and be in relationship with God. I need to be that full time Christian so that I can expect and have the full time God. It's just like a relationship we have with friends, family, or even a significant other. If we are not giving our time and investing in them, or vice versa, don't we begin to look at these relationships and say this isn't worth it and place these people on the back burner or even forget them? Same thing with God. I realized, I am grieving, broken, and unmotivated in life. But why was I expecting God to just out of no where, give me comfort and strength when I was a miles away from him relationship wise.

So I am being real, raw, and open about my current struggles, my self reflection especially in my kingdom walk. God will take my burdens away if I just allow him to. He will bring me comfort and strength during these trying times if I just let him. All I needed to do was stop forcing myself to put God in the back and just allow him to be at the front of my life again and let things go. At the end of this, I realized I need to get back up, live this kingdom life correctly because in the end, I want to see my sister again, I want to be at the feet of Jesus and know I will be in this beautiful place called heaven when my time comes.

If you've read this far into this post, thank you for listening. I encourage you to get to know God more. Whether you believe in Him or not, get to know him more. This God is a loving God, seeking relationship, at a cost of just your pure heart. You do not have to beg, pay, do all these different things to earn his love and acceptance because he gave it to us freely, and he gave it to us through Jesus at the cost of giving his life for all of ours. So get to know God in relationship before you throw him out or feel like believing in him is all about rules and commands. Look at the word as a whole, don't just read a line and think you understand what it means, read the whole chapter and digest what it is saying.

This is me being me, and being real. This is my struggle, my realization again. This is me trying to shine some light on certain things we get confused about. Falling short of realizing I tend to be a part time Christian expecting a full time God out of no where. This is me bringing myself back as to why I started this blog. To share my life story, hoping it encourages you, or sparks something within yourself that you will find motivation more to know about.