Today is the second month since my sister left this world. It's been such a difficult week to push through. Just when I thought it would feel easier, it was actually more difficult than I thought. My face with streams of tears. Unstoppable, feeling as if I am running out of air.
One night, I was taking a shower and thought of something and said to myself I'm going to tell her when I finish. In a matter of seconds, it hit me.. She wasn't home, she wasn't going to be in her room when I step out of the restroom, she wasn't even going to be a phone call away.
As the days go by, it hurts more and more trying to figure out how to heal and move pass all the sadness. It breaks my heart to think about the line "I'll see you again" because it feels like forever if it takes me 40 to 50 years to see my sister again. I do understand and know that the upside is I will see her again one day, but the time it will take to get there seems so distant, it's hard to move on. Will I personally always feel this way? Will I ever get to heal fully from this kind of broken heart?
Today, I listened to her sermon from the past that we recorded during our service back in 2018. To hear her teaching again, her passion, and her heart, gave me such great comfort and encouragement in knowing that she was ready and prepared to leave this place any time. It wasn't being prepared for herself in this life, but being ready in this life for what is to come in the beauty of heaven.
When my sister passed two months ago, we were entering the beginning of the pandemic lock down and restrictions. It was difficult that on top of what occurred, the funeral arrangements were getting harder. From being able to have a viewing and service, to having both with shifts of groups coming in and out five at a time, to the funeral home saying everything is cancelled. I didn't get to really say goodbye to my sister before we laid her to rest. We were placed in the ID room, given 20 minutes to spend our last moments with her.
For the internment, we were told to watch from our cars which we completely disagreed on. During a time where things were already difficult, it was an even devastating time to lay my sister to rest in such a way that was not normal and overall restricted. But God was good, and those who wanted to say their goodbyes, did so from afar, and we stood by her side until she was completely laid to rest.
I want to share a song that a friend made for my sister days after she passed away. The Lord spoke to his heart and gave him the words to create such an amazing song. Thanks Nate, for this heart felt song that you made for Ate Tiff. This song will stay close to our hearts, and if she was here with us in person, she would look at you and be so thankful and touched by your creativity and passion for music.
To those who have lost someone dearly, who hasn't healed fully, this is for you. We are not alone, we heal in our own time. No one can tell us to get over it, when to be healed, or can really relate to how we individually feel. I pray you find comfort and peace in some way, and just know, we are still given the gift of life, so let us all live this life right.
Ate Tiff, I miss you more and more each day. You left a legacy beyond what you probably even imagined. You continue to touch lives with your sermons and teachings and with all the memories you left each and every one of us. I love you and I can't wait to see you again.
Even our sorrow can be used for his plan and we don't get to see our own testimony sometimes. One of the hardest things. I watched this sermon and parts of it I heard in a new light, even though I was there for the sermon in 2018 One of the best things about church with you is you always shed new light.
We were blessed you shared your walk with us. I will miss you You were the good servant in the parable of talents. You were the first one that ever taught me the importance of Christians being known by their love; and that Joy is Choice. it's helped me so much. Thank You.
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